The development of one's own identity is regarded as the main developmental task during adolescence, primarily pertaining to a ‘sense of identity’. This concerns one's awareness of being a distinct person in different circumstances and at different times. That personal history, present and future are experienced as a meaningfully coherent whole and that one feels recognised and valued in one's social environment (1). Sometimes this feeling concerns the conscious experience of individuality (“this is typical for me”), sometimes the continuity of the experience (“this is how I am”). And sometimes it's about the feeling of being able to commit to the role and position that is determined in the community to which you belong. They are part of a larger whole in which your role is defined. The development of a sense of identity in our culture is usually largely unconscious. In other cultures, it can be more explicit: the sum of tasks and expectations and the sense of being able to handle them. The result, the identity, has something self-evident, especially noticeable when it is no longer there.

The questions ‘who am I, who do I look like, etc.…’ are questions that children of all ages can ask. Because it is precisely in adolescence that the developmental task of forming one's own sense of identity becomes more topical, these questions become even more important. If difficult truths are discovered about this, it can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, anger, fear and sometimes relief. This can be very confusing. It takes time to investigate and process all these feelings. Sometimes the young person would like to explore these themes with a third party, someone who is not emotionally involved. It is important to always take into account the history that the young person does know about and the resilience that can be found in that.

How do you talk to a young person if you suspect that difficult events have taken place? If they have questions about who they are, are confused about their origin? Or about who they are?

Take your time and be humble and calm in your appearance so that the young person feels they are given the space to talk. Let the young person decide for themselves whether and when they want to share their experiences, and what they wish to share. Young people have a sixth sense when it comes to being sincere in the interest you show and being authentic about yourself. Sincerity determines the quality of the contact and whether the young person ultimately wants to share their confusion, questions and story. Sincerity also means being honest about your emotions that their story evokes in you. It is good to mention these emotions briefly, because the young person will register that their story has an impact on you. Then focus your attention again on the young person, so that they feels the space to continue with their story.

Talking to young people means actively listening! Non-verbal communication is particularly important. These signals provide insight into how the young person feels. After summarising each important part it in your own words and checking if you have understood what the young person is trying to say. Alternate open questions with closed questions but leave the initiative up to the young person. Remember, not everything needs to be discussed in one conversation. If the contact is good, humor is a good way to release tension. Finally, be transparent. Explain the purpose of the conversation and why you are asking certain questions. Be transparent about your own reflections, in other words think ‘out loud’, so that the young person can see your ‘internal process’. This increases trust.

Some young people are better off focusing on what they want to say when they are doing something. Sitting opposite each other in a room doesn't usually result in very good conversations. Placing the chairs at a 90-degree angle, so not right opposite each other, is often better. But sometimes taking a walk together works best!