Should I discuss it with my partner?
Women may struggle with the question when they have a new partner: do I tell them that my child was born from rape? There is no simple answer, as every situation is different. However, there are a few things to consider when making this choice.
Research shows that many people find it helpful to discuss traumatic experiences with a partner, especially if they are in a good relationship. Discussing it helps them feel understood, which helps with processing. It can be harder to predict the outcome of such a conversation in a fragile relationship. In that case, counselling can help with the discussion.
If your relationship is not strong, it is better to work on the relationship first before bringing up the topic of pregnancy resulting from rape.
A conversation about pregnancy resulting from rape is not a means of improving a relationship; it can help, as you will no longer be alone with your secret, but it can also be difficult, as you now share a secret of which your child is still unaware. The conversation can help your partner understand and support you. It can help you recognise parenting situations that remind you of the violence. However, if your relationship is not strong, it is better to work on the relationship first before bringing up the topic of pregnancy resulting from rape.
If your partner has had their own traumatic experiences such as sexual violence, there is a greater risk of such a conversation not helping or even having the opposite effect. Some people experience an increase in trauma symptoms after discussing it with a partner who has had similar experiences. It can be easy to fall into the trap of focussing solely on the negatives of the experience when you share similar experiences, but it is important to acknowledge your resilience as well. Consider seeking the support of a counsellor for a conversation with a partner who has had similar experiences.
Determine the purpose of the conversation for yourself beforehand, as well as how you want and expect your partner to respond. Discuss how you want to deal with the secret together; what do you tell your child when, and why (MomS | Mothers | What and how do I tell my child?). A conversation about rape-related pregnancy can help your relationship move forward, but it will not solve everything.
Elisa van Ee
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